Friday, March 09, 2001
There's this guy that I work with named John, we'll call him JJ for short since I have the same name and wouldn't want it to get confused with anyone else. About a month and a half to two months ago he received this voice mail that can pretty much be summed up like this:
"Hi JJ, this is Andrea. I had a really good time with you and I hope you can say the same. By the way, do you like rabbit fur?" Albeit there was more to it and I probably murdered the execution (because I'm a big boob when it comes to quoting people) but that was the general feel of the message. I had fun, oh yeah, rabbit fur. That was a summary for those of you too lazy to read the longer synopsis.
At any rate, JJ played this message for several people and thought that it was some sort of practical joke, however no one stepped up to take credit for it. It was pretty funny, and I wanted to know who thought it up.
So the month or two passed by and there was no word from Andrea. We hadn't really been expecting anything, but I kind of hoped something would. I guess really good practical jokes require really good timing (something I would know nothing about. I just dump everything at the first sign of a good laugh and leave nothing for speculation. Yep, I'm a whore for laughs. A premature elaughulator if you will. You see, I didn't have any good jokes, but I put my bad stuff out just so I could maybe get a chuckle.). Almost exactly one and a half months after the first call JJ received another voice message that can be summed up with the following:
"Hi JJ. I'm sorry I haven't called in awhile, but I have been persuing new business ventures in Florida. I just can't get my mind off of you. I just wanted to know if you are still interested in the wine and poetry."
This message got JJ really excited. He called even more people into our office this time. I think that I heard the mesage about 22 and a half times. He talked about it for hours on end about about how he needed to figure out who it was. He called about ten people to ask if it was them but no one accepted responsibility for it. It was about this time that I got an idea (yep, another column). If he was getting so freaked out with just getting a couple of voice mails, imagine how crazy he would be if he received some e-mail from the mysterious Andrea, something that he could respond to. It was decided, I was going to take over the persona of Andrea and do everything that I could in order to make JJ a very confused person.
I opened a mail account at andreasmail.com. It's an anonymous web-mail client and you can choose what your e-mail address is, etc. etc. So I set up the account email@example.com and went to work. Here's what I said in my first e-mail as Andrea:
Hey JJ, I'm in Miami right now persuing some busines ventures, but I can't get my mind off of you. We have to meet again. I'm planning a trip to Dallas in another week and I need a cure for my restless mind that keeps coming back to you. I'll bring the wine and you bring the rabbit fur. You should really be out here.
Aching with Anticipation,
Pretty cool, huh? JJ got it and analyzed every piece of information in the e-mail. Scanned the address several times to see if maybe he could track it down. Finally after several hours of contemplating he send her an e-mail to see if he could possibly get more information from her. Here's what he wrote:
Looking forward to seeing you again.
It has been fun but don't you think we should put some of the more erotic things behind us and get a little more practical.
I bought you some gray cotton underwear and have a new truck picked out. Lets go see it when you get here.
I decided to give him some of the information that he was looking for to clue him off that it was someone that he knew that was doing all of this. Here's the e-mail that i wrote back to him (do you see why I love articles like this, it's a bunch of cut and paste and I don't really have to do a whole lot of work on my own. I'm the ultimate slacker.):
I thought you were in it just for the fun and pleasure too. If you're really interested in taking it to another level that's fine, but what are you going to do about your wife. I think she might have a problem with it.
And the truck, I think it's a little much. After all, I prefer my Viper (still a Dodge, like yours, but a little more my style).
We can still have fun like we used to baby. Meet me at the same place on Saturday?
Ok, so I overdid it a little bit with the Viper and everything, but I figured that it would get his goat. (What the hell does that mean anyway?) I think he finally realized that this was someone who knew a little bit about him. He decided to print out all the e-mails and take it home to his wife (I'm guessing in order to cover his ass in case something happened at home). She apparently thought it was pretty funny. I'm sure that he was comforted by the fact that his wife laughed at the fact that someone was picking up on him. It's always good for the ego. Back to the story at hand, here's what he wrote back to our Andrea:
Great to hear from you Andrea.
Well first of all , I was not completely honest with you about the underwear and the truck.
I bought two bundles of underwear at the Fort Worth flea market on Saturday and took them home. The dog got real interested in one bundle so I ran both bundles through two hot wash cycles with lots of bleach. The underwear is a little pale now but the dog has lost interest so I guess its OK. I checked the labels and some of it is 'Jockey' but most of it was made in Juarez.
The truck isn't new and I hope I did not mislead you on that one. It was owned by a fat girl with a ruddy complexion. She worked in a laundry and sweated a lot so I had the dealer check the air-conditioner and steam clean the seat and the door panel where her spit cup was. He is going to do that and I think it it will be a good buy.
Are you still going to keep your Viper? I think you will really like the truck.
My wife is out of town a lot but she is here this month. She is interested in meeting you and sharing some stories about when we met and how long I was on parole. Stuff like that. She is a very open minded gal with a great sense of humor. You two will get along fine..
Look forward to seeing you soon.
Well, after he wrote the letter, but before Andrea actually "received" it I decided to make it even more convoluted. I had my wife call and leave a message on his voice mail. She actually came up with this idea, if I had, I would have done it a long time ago. Yeah, my lack of timing would not have let me keep that one quiet. Here's the message that she left:
Hey JJ, this is Shelly. Andrea gave me your number and said that you were a lot of fun. We were talking the other day and thought that maybe the three of us could get together and have some fun together? At any rate, I guess I'll give you a call later and see if you're interested.
It was a kind of funny process through this whole thing because JJ isn't the type of person who regularly checks his e-mail or voice mail. Sometimes I would actually have to find something funny on the web to send him in e-mail so that I could say, "Hey, JJ, check your mail. I sent you something funny." And then it just got to the point where I would ask him if his girlfriend sent him any more mail. That would usually trigger him into looking through his e-mail and voice mail and making sure nothing new had come through. So this is the final message that I replied to him with:
I always love your sense of humor baby, but let's move on to something else. I have some exciting news!
I'm going to be coming to Dallas today. I was wondering if you could come and pick me up. Shelly should be there and you should be dying to see who she is (I think you may actually know her). Oh! You can bring your wife too since you said she wanted to meet me. And there actually should be several of my friends there and I think you might be interested in meeting them too (I think you know some of them too, but there are several that I know you don't).
Well, at any rate, here's the flight info:
American Airlines flight #1769
Arriving at DFW at 7:27PM tonight.
I figure that we can meet my friends and maybe have a drink and then the four of us (you, shelly, your wife and I) can have a little fun, if you know what I mean. Actually, I can have my personal assistant call your wife and let her know if you would like, your home number is still 972-xxx-xxx, right?
At any rate, I need to go and I won't be able to check my e-mail for a couple of weeks, so I really hope that you meet me at the gate, besides me I think there's a lot of people that you should meet. If you don't show up, I will take the hint and stop bothering you, but I really hope that you show up.
I didn't really expect him to do anything at this. I really thought that he would just let it go and that would be the end of it. The second he finished reading the e-mail, however, he stated, "Oh, I'm going. I'm gonna follow this thing through to the end."
This was definitely a twist for me. However for the greater portion of the day I didn't say anything, I was just a casual observer. When the time crept closer though I started playing the Devil's advocate. "Are you sure you want to go there JJ. I mean what if no one shows up?"
"Well, then they won I guess," he would calmly reply,"but if I don't show up and they are there then they win too."
"Well what if you don't show up and they don't show up? I guess you would win, but you don't really know if you won or not. And if you both show up I don't think anyone wins. So basically, you can't win, right?" I think I even amazed myself with that explanation. He didn't really have anything to say to that and the day went on. At about 4 o'clock that day he made a declaration that he was not going to go to the airport.
It was sort of a relief and a disappointment at the same time. I mean, I really wanted him to go so that I could hire a transvestite or something to go meet him at the gate. Well, I haven't responded to him since that, but I'll always keep that in my hip pocket so that if I'm bored again some day I can always pull it out and give him something to go crazy about. Heck, maybe I'll just hire a transvestite to come into the office some day to hit on him and make him freak out. The possibilities are limitless.